Mind the leather upholstery.....

Mind the leather upholstery....

 I had not been born with the so called built in ‘maternal’ instinct and to be honest, had never really felt the pull of overwhelming baby love, even for my nephews and nieces. They looked very nice and if just bathed, smelt delicious but I never wanted to take them home, especially in my new MGBGT. What if they were sick on the Magi leather upholstery?

 Clearly I was too selfish. I had a nice life, held a good job and enjoyed a brilliant social calendar. I was also 29 and had swiftly passed the age of ‘considered most fertile’ without a backward glance. My next milestone was definitely the colour coded MGBGT interior trim set which included new cream, leather seats with piping in British racing Green. I had not considered the possibility that the latest Mothercare catalogue would become a prominent feature on my coffee table. However, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and my life changed almost overnight. 

I knew the projectile vomiting I was experiencing for most of my waking hours was to be 

attributed to morning sickness. How any female survives the 6 weeks or so ‘Exorcist’ remakes, I will never know.

The kitchen became a thing of the past. The very thought of whipping up a quick pasta had me reaching for the closest receptacle to hand ( apologies to the elderly gentleman with the lovely trilby hat sitting atop his weekly shop, standing innocently by the fresh fish counter at Asda in Gravesend.)

I of course asked the questions that all mothers to be need to know.......

1. When will my baby move?

    With any luck, right after he/she finishes college.

2.  My midwife tells me it`s not pain I`ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?       

     Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called a light breeze!

3.   What does it mean when the baby`s head is crowning?

      It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its    

      way out!

The one thing I never lost throughout the pregnancy was my terrible sense of humour clearly! These little 'Funnies' kept me laughing and possibly sane.

I watched my ever changing body with interest. I tried very hard to be proud of my stretch marks and even stroked them lovingly as suggested in one of my magazines. My abdomen looked like it now had an inbuilt zip for the baby to make a quick exit on said due date and I couldn't help the thoughts that popped into my head at any given time regarding men and what would happen if they got pregnant.

Morning sickness would rank as the worlds number one health problem. There would be a cure for stretch marks and natural childbirth would become obsolete! Tell me I'm wrong!